This story is not just that of a sister donating a kidney to her brother. It is also the background of a concept called Post Traumatic Growth I have come to understand only recently, after I heard Sheryl Sandberg talk about it at our Lean In Singapore event in November.
It was actually quite bizarre that when our surgery was taking place, the Raksha Bandhan festival celebrations were in full swing throughout the country. Raksha Bandhan, to those not familiar, is a festival in India that celebrates the bond between brother and sister. Traditionally the sister ties a “Raakhi” (a symbolic thread) on the brother’s wrist and the brother reaffirms that he will protect the sister at all times. Ofcourse with strong values rooted in gender equality, when I used to celebrate it with my children - a girl and a boy - they tied the Raakhi to each other!
We were contacted by the hospital soon after the surgery that a newspaper wanted to cover our story as a special Raksha Bandhan feature. I couldn’t do it immediately then, but had written this up more than a year ago, when they reached out to me again. When my brother shared this link on our family Whatsapp group this morning, I was surprised to see it was our story. Brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye to note they had published it on my late father’s birthday (21st Jan).
In the past year as I've interacted with people from so many diverse industries and backgrounds, people have asked me about the inspiration behind my work with Lean In Singapore and Lean In Fintech SG and Asia, and the importance I lay on a collaborative and supportive approach at work. They ask me if it was trauma and stress in life that propels me. That's where I have found the concept of Post Traumatic Growth to be so powerful. I got to understand this more deeply after I followed up on Sheryl Sandberg's visit and read her and Adam Grant's book "Option B". We are all familiar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But Post Traumatic Growth explains the phenomenon as "people becoming stronger and creating a more meaningful life in the wake of staggering tragedy or trauma. They don't just bounce back, they bounce higher than they ever did before."
I met a young lady who is dealing with her recent diagnosis of a health disorder. Another who has grappled with harassment at work and is already emerging so strongly from it. Another lost her young child to cancer. As they gain support from those around them and build up their reserves to deal with their personal trauma, I wish them all the strength, energy and support to deal with it and to allow themselves to emerge from the depths. Not just back to where they were (often that's not even possible), but possibly even stronger and higher than that.
In early 2016, we found out from the doctors that my brother would need to undergo kidney transplant by the end of the year or by early next year. I made a short trip to India in March to get myself evaluated as a kidney donor. The preliminary tests were encouraging and when I returned to work in Singapore I informed my seniors and HR that I would be taking time off for a while around December.
I however underwent a severe setback at work that necessitated me to take a sabbatical in June and focus on recovering my strength. When I made a holiday trip to India in July, my brother got his monthly tests done and the doctors told us that he would need to undergo the transplant ASAP. We both then rushed to get the final sets of tests done and as we got prepped for the surgery, an unseen challenge came up in the form of the kidney donation scandal that broke at another hospital in Mumbai, one that would pose problems in the near future. Our medical case did get the ethical committee approval and we and the medical team set ourselves the date of 11th August for the surgery. My brother and I got ourselves admitted to Global Hospital on 9th August – he as Recipient Patient, I as Donor Patient. On 10th August, we heard about the medical strike being called by the doctors as fallout of the kidney donation scandal and the treatment meted out to the surgeons, not knowing then if our surgery would be taken up – until, thankfully, a confirmation came in that night that we were on schedule for our surgery.
This was the first time I underwent a surgery, but all through, from the preparation stage over the past few months until the time that we were getting wheeled into the operating theatre, I did not feel fearful. I only felt right about my decision. I felt right that I could be there for my brother in this manner. When my brother’s ADPKD condition was detected, we found out that it was a genetic condition. By some stroke of chance, my brother had it. While I considered myself fortunate to not have inherited the condition, I also felt it only right that I should share my luck. I had two kidneys, and I can live – and live well in with one of them. That is how I had reached my decision to donate. And fortunately, my husband, my mother in law and my children, all supported me fully.
On the morning of 11th August, with Raksha Bandhan coming up in a few days, the surgery began – first the nephrectomy on him, followed by nephrectomy on me, and the transplant procedure. When we were both recovering in the RICU, the staff would come to check on me and administer the medication. And they also sweetly kept me updated on my brother’s condition – how he was doing post-surgery. How his new kidney had started functioning. How his creatinine levels were falling. With every update, and later as the days of recovery showed positive progress, I was only thankful that my brother’s health was getting back on track.
My brother is now continuing well on his recovery path at home. I too am back home and recovering well. When I look back, I can only wonder at how everything fell in place. My taking a break from work was brought about by severe setbacks then, both emotionally and physically. But my break from work and my being in Mumbai in July had allowed us to expedite all the preparations required for the surgery, which until then we had expected only by the end of the year. Most importantly, it also meant that I had been able to recover my strength and energies and be fit to undergo the surgery. Unforeseen factors in the form of a medical strike had come up but that too was resolved in the timeliest manner.
There are so many things that we have to be thankful for. And I am thankful for everything I have. And thankful that I was able to be there for my brother.
Here’s wishing us all the best of health!
